(in)Fertility
So here is my big post about fertility. Don't worry, no gory details. More like the emotional shit that it's putting us through, and the information we've learned so far. If you don't want to know about any of this, stop back in a few days when I've posted something new.
"waiting" till 35
If I get anything out of this post, I hopes it's this. That my friends who read this that are my age - 34-35, take it to heart when I say you DON'T have all the time in the world!! To which you can say "fuck you" don't judge me, blah,blah, blah. You cannot wait til you buy a house, finish your PhD, move to Alaska, take the trip to Europe, get married, and even more drastically, find a man. If you know you want children, start NOW. Everything I have read in the past year and 4 months always states how hard(ER) it becomes after 35. We may be healthy, thin, feel young inside, look young on the outside, but our eggs are not getting any younger. This is a fact and I'm not making it up or trying to sound dramatic. It is true. I do look really young for my age. I always have. But you know what, this past year I know my hair has gotten much greyer. Couldn't tell you exactly how much, because I started coloring it. Grey hair is a sign of your body aging. My metabolism slowed down this year as well. I noticed I have to work out more to maintain the same weight, even while eating my normal healthy diet. I so wish we had got off the pill the year we were getting married. That would've been 3 years ago. And I know everyone has different circumstances, but please think about it. Or at least read up about it now, not in 2 years when you're 37.
CYCLES
And I don't mean menstrual. This fertility thing for me at least, goes in cycles. I find I can only deal with it for 3 month stretches. 3 months of temperature testing every morning, peeing on sticks weekly, scheduled nooky, monthly heartbreak, no alcohol at all, no coffee. Then I break and say screw it and go back to drinking and the occasional coffee and skipping the thermometer every morning. This lasts about a week, then I start to worry again, and jump back into it. My bathroom btw looks like Dr. Honeydew's lab. ($10 if you catch that reference) PH sticks, charts, calendars, cups to pee in, etc.
FRUSTRATION/FRIENDS/JEALOUSY
It can be really hard to go through all of this when you have friends that are conceiving every time they sneeze. It is perfectly ok and natural to feel hurt and jealous by this. But at the same time feel so happy for them. One girlfriend has a beautiful little girl. One day she mentioned to me she had a scare, that she thought she was pregnant again and the baby was less than a year old. I wanted to kill her for saying that, but she had no idea that it hurt. This is someone who would never say anything to hurt me. I have another friend that I know will start trying for her 2nd baby in the next few months. She's also the one who dies a little with me every time she asks if I got my period. I swear she keeps track better than I do of my cycle. But I knew she would feel bad if she got preg easily, and here I was still pluggin away at i. I asked her and she said yes, she's dreading it, having to tell me she's pregnant. I told her not to worry. Hell yes I'll cry, but be really happy for her at the same time. It can't be helped, my crazy emotions that is. And speaking of friends, I have another girlfriend who is a full year ahead of me at least, if not two years, into trying. She's just started taking fertility drugs. She's not my closest friend, but having this to talk about has actually made us become closer. Emailing and having her to talk to about this has been very therapeutic. She's the only girl I know that I talk to about it. At least in depth. Because of course you always get the one girl that says "honey, have you tried just getting drunk and fucking?" No, more than a year has gone by and that idea has alluded us somehow. Dumbass.
FINANCES
On top of the stress and worry about trying to conceive, you have to begin to worry about the costs. Nothing fertility related is covered by my insurance. As we begin to start the serious tests, I'm really worried about the costs involved. Yes I want to get pregnant. But part of me, a large part of me, doesn't want to be 50,000 in debt with nothing to show for it. Which could happen. You can adopt a baby from China for $30,000. But an IVF can cost upwards of $20,000, with no guarantees. Which of course I always think - is it ok morally to buy a baby? But I can't judge because what if we have to?
BOOKS
"A Few Good Eggs"
I have mixed feelings about this book. My dad saw the authors interviewed on the "Today" show, and he bought it for me. If that gives you an idea of the level of how my family discusses stuff. Anyways, the book is NOT scientific. It really is two women talking about the problems they, and many, many, MANY of their friends have gone thru. But they tend to berate and admonish more than inform. Every page I read made me feel worse and worse about myself because I'm approaching 35 and not pregnant. Because according to them I put my career first. (they did the same thing and are apparently trying to teach this to others, but it comes off irritating) If you can get past that, I did glean some good, solid useful info from the book, that were really helpful, such as:
• Basal thermometers ARE different from other thermometers, noone actually ever says this to you
• they break down just how few the days are per year for you to conceive
• fertility drugs, if you have to take them, are hard on your body and emotions
• the most helpful chapter was on finances. Most fertility issues are not covered by health insurance. Several states though have Mandates for fertility coverage. This was very helpful to know. I would encourage anyone going through this to look into it.
•resolve.org You have to pay to join, which I haven't, but it contains a lot of information for free, including the state laws regarding fertility and health insurance
"Getting Pregnant"
I spent an hour sitting on the floor in Barnes & Noble sifting through all of their infertility books. This is the one I came away with. There was another book I had intended to buy, because I had researched it on Amazon, and it had great reviews. But when you flipped through it, it was 80% charts for you to fill out. This book has the most usual information, from basic plumbing, to what you shouldn't eat, explanation of different problems, techniques, and so much more. I flipped through and read all the chapters I wanted immediate info on, then went back and read it cover to cover. A few things I learned because of this book, whether significant or not, and there are many I can't remember this second:
• alcohol can cut your chances of conceiving by 50% - which means I rarely drink anymore, except for the day I get my period, and then it's usually lots of wine. No liquor.
• don't eat soy! This is coming from the girl that lived on soynuts from Wholefoods for 2 years. I only used soymilk in my coffee - which I also no longer drink. Soy has natural phytoestrogen - which royally screws up your cycles.
• Caffeine - don't live without it, but switch to tea, it at least has antioxidants. Coffee has too much caffeine and is very acidic. Also leaches calcium from your body
• the days you can actually get preg are very limited
• you should be taking a prenatal vitamin - but men should be taking a multivite, and Vitamin C is a huge help as well. Make sure the multivitamin has zinc.
•we're born with all of our eggs, but guys make swimmers every 72 hours. What he consumes during that time can effect conception when you try a few days later. Stress, loss of sleep, too much alcohol all effects the numbers of tadpoles.
Doctors "wait"
One of the things the "Good Egg" book stressed was not buying into to Doctor loyalty and guilt. If you don't think your dr. is doing enough, get pushy, and then find another one. This being totally Hypocritical. If my Dr. or the Office nurse says one more time to me over the phone "Honey, why don't you wait just 2 more months, we really think you've just got your timing wrong" I. will. scream. A year and 4 months and I haven't had one god damn test ran on me. Not even my blood drawn for hormone levels. I'm giving it until the next cycle, then the next call is me demanding action or I switch.
"waiting" till 35
If I get anything out of this post, I hopes it's this. That my friends who read this that are my age - 34-35, take it to heart when I say you DON'T have all the time in the world!! To which you can say "fuck you" don't judge me, blah,blah, blah. You cannot wait til you buy a house, finish your PhD, move to Alaska, take the trip to Europe, get married, and even more drastically, find a man. If you know you want children, start NOW. Everything I have read in the past year and 4 months always states how hard(ER) it becomes after 35. We may be healthy, thin, feel young inside, look young on the outside, but our eggs are not getting any younger. This is a fact and I'm not making it up or trying to sound dramatic. It is true. I do look really young for my age. I always have. But you know what, this past year I know my hair has gotten much greyer. Couldn't tell you exactly how much, because I started coloring it. Grey hair is a sign of your body aging. My metabolism slowed down this year as well. I noticed I have to work out more to maintain the same weight, even while eating my normal healthy diet. I so wish we had got off the pill the year we were getting married. That would've been 3 years ago. And I know everyone has different circumstances, but please think about it. Or at least read up about it now, not in 2 years when you're 37.
CYCLES
And I don't mean menstrual. This fertility thing for me at least, goes in cycles. I find I can only deal with it for 3 month stretches. 3 months of temperature testing every morning, peeing on sticks weekly, scheduled nooky, monthly heartbreak, no alcohol at all, no coffee. Then I break and say screw it and go back to drinking and the occasional coffee and skipping the thermometer every morning. This lasts about a week, then I start to worry again, and jump back into it. My bathroom btw looks like Dr. Honeydew's lab. ($10 if you catch that reference) PH sticks, charts, calendars, cups to pee in, etc.
FRUSTRATION/FRIENDS/JEALOUSY
It can be really hard to go through all of this when you have friends that are conceiving every time they sneeze. It is perfectly ok and natural to feel hurt and jealous by this. But at the same time feel so happy for them. One girlfriend has a beautiful little girl. One day she mentioned to me she had a scare, that she thought she was pregnant again and the baby was less than a year old. I wanted to kill her for saying that, but she had no idea that it hurt. This is someone who would never say anything to hurt me. I have another friend that I know will start trying for her 2nd baby in the next few months. She's also the one who dies a little with me every time she asks if I got my period. I swear she keeps track better than I do of my cycle. But I knew she would feel bad if she got preg easily, and here I was still pluggin away at i. I asked her and she said yes, she's dreading it, having to tell me she's pregnant. I told her not to worry. Hell yes I'll cry, but be really happy for her at the same time. It can't be helped, my crazy emotions that is. And speaking of friends, I have another girlfriend who is a full year ahead of me at least, if not two years, into trying. She's just started taking fertility drugs. She's not my closest friend, but having this to talk about has actually made us become closer. Emailing and having her to talk to about this has been very therapeutic. She's the only girl I know that I talk to about it. At least in depth. Because of course you always get the one girl that says "honey, have you tried just getting drunk and fucking?" No, more than a year has gone by and that idea has alluded us somehow. Dumbass.
FINANCES
On top of the stress and worry about trying to conceive, you have to begin to worry about the costs. Nothing fertility related is covered by my insurance. As we begin to start the serious tests, I'm really worried about the costs involved. Yes I want to get pregnant. But part of me, a large part of me, doesn't want to be 50,000 in debt with nothing to show for it. Which could happen. You can adopt a baby from China for $30,000. But an IVF can cost upwards of $20,000, with no guarantees. Which of course I always think - is it ok morally to buy a baby? But I can't judge because what if we have to?
BOOKS
"A Few Good Eggs"
I have mixed feelings about this book. My dad saw the authors interviewed on the "Today" show, and he bought it for me. If that gives you an idea of the level of how my family discusses stuff. Anyways, the book is NOT scientific. It really is two women talking about the problems they, and many, many, MANY of their friends have gone thru. But they tend to berate and admonish more than inform. Every page I read made me feel worse and worse about myself because I'm approaching 35 and not pregnant. Because according to them I put my career first. (they did the same thing and are apparently trying to teach this to others, but it comes off irritating) If you can get past that, I did glean some good, solid useful info from the book, that were really helpful, such as:
• Basal thermometers ARE different from other thermometers, noone actually ever says this to you
• they break down just how few the days are per year for you to conceive
• fertility drugs, if you have to take them, are hard on your body and emotions
• the most helpful chapter was on finances. Most fertility issues are not covered by health insurance. Several states though have Mandates for fertility coverage. This was very helpful to know. I would encourage anyone going through this to look into it.
•resolve.org You have to pay to join, which I haven't, but it contains a lot of information for free, including the state laws regarding fertility and health insurance
"Getting Pregnant"
I spent an hour sitting on the floor in Barnes & Noble sifting through all of their infertility books. This is the one I came away with. There was another book I had intended to buy, because I had researched it on Amazon, and it had great reviews. But when you flipped through it, it was 80% charts for you to fill out. This book has the most usual information, from basic plumbing, to what you shouldn't eat, explanation of different problems, techniques, and so much more. I flipped through and read all the chapters I wanted immediate info on, then went back and read it cover to cover. A few things I learned because of this book, whether significant or not, and there are many I can't remember this second:
• alcohol can cut your chances of conceiving by 50% - which means I rarely drink anymore, except for the day I get my period, and then it's usually lots of wine. No liquor.
• don't eat soy! This is coming from the girl that lived on soynuts from Wholefoods for 2 years. I only used soymilk in my coffee - which I also no longer drink. Soy has natural phytoestrogen - which royally screws up your cycles.
• Caffeine - don't live without it, but switch to tea, it at least has antioxidants. Coffee has too much caffeine and is very acidic. Also leaches calcium from your body
• the days you can actually get preg are very limited
• you should be taking a prenatal vitamin - but men should be taking a multivite, and Vitamin C is a huge help as well. Make sure the multivitamin has zinc.
•we're born with all of our eggs, but guys make swimmers every 72 hours. What he consumes during that time can effect conception when you try a few days later. Stress, loss of sleep, too much alcohol all effects the numbers of tadpoles.
Doctors "wait"
One of the things the "Good Egg" book stressed was not buying into to Doctor loyalty and guilt. If you don't think your dr. is doing enough, get pushy, and then find another one. This being totally Hypocritical. If my Dr. or the Office nurse says one more time to me over the phone "Honey, why don't you wait just 2 more months, we really think you've just got your timing wrong" I. will. scream. A year and 4 months and I haven't had one god damn test ran on me. Not even my blood drawn for hormone levels. I'm giving it until the next cycle, then the next call is me demanding action or I switch.
posted by Ren at 11:24 AM
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